Raja Durian

Despite this happening some time ago it is really something i have to talk about.. and my apologies i forgot my camera and did not have it with me..

During the school holidays (which thankfully coincided with my college holidays) my whole entire family ~seven of us plus one maid mind you~ decided to take a trip to Penang. All was well, nice beaches, got to go parachuting, great food... and then... the Raja Durian!

Having strayed of course a bit and finding ourselves in those long, windy roads that loop durian orchards we ( my mum and i ) developed cravings for durian. I mean like there. were. durians. EVERYWHERE!

Hanging of the trees over the passing cars, big bunches of them clustered a hand's reach away, small pyramids of durians at the road side with an orang asli looking like person guarding them, passing us in big rattan baskets via motorbike.. like i said, everywhere! So dad finally gave in to my incessant whining as to how much i feel like eating durians and we stopped at this stall with all the fruits of our local treasure trove.

Now to add to my durian pangs, there were these Star newspaper clippings showing Mr Raja Durian holding up the yellow, juicy succelent flesh of the durian and how he had had this stall for a long time and his durians are exported to singapore and the like, blah blah blah.. the fruits should be really good lah kan ?

I was positively skipping with anticipation.

So my dad, mum n i get down ( the others choosing to be so environmental-unfriendly hence sitting in the Naza watching Spongebob Squarepants on dvd.. *eye roll*) and go over to his shed cum stall cum good way to rip off people thingy.

As i am reading all these newspapers write ups about him, the man himself, Raja Durian, The king of the king of fruits comes out and offers to find us the best fruit, the taste of which he guarantees.. yippee

Out of one of the 'durian pyramids' as i call them he pulls out this really large, montrosity of a fruit.. i wanted the small kampong durians so my dad goes and chooses one for me.. As it is only the three of us, we decide to have the fruit he has chosen (bound to be good rite ? .. my foot la)

First : he guarantees it's sweetness

Next: he guarantees it's richness

Then: he cracks it upon with great show using a Swiss Army knife

Finally: .............. the fruit has black edges?!

it's hard. and dry. and anything but sweet. and has these blackened edges to the fruit which sticks to the white lining. but wait it gets better

The Raja then says "aiya ini sikit keras, biar saya kasi lembut "

Here i am thinking 'kasi lembut' to mean getting me a new fruit which is lembut but nooo, royalty and mere mortals never have the same line of thoughts now do we ?

He then proceeds to pick the fruit up by it's stem and well literally kasi lembuts it by hitting it repeatedly on the hard concrete floor .. bam, wham, slam... i just stare at him wondering whether durian milkshake is part of the deal.. After he deems the durian is kasi-ed lembut enough he breaks it open more and would you look at that, it's even blacker inside!

"haiya ini buah masih ada keras la"... YOU THINK ???!!!!

then he actually has the balls to say "takpe lah itu buah saya kasi you free"

Now is he referring to the stupid fruit he just picked ? of course not, he's the king remember.. he's referring to the tiny kampong fruit that my dad chose which is 1/3 the size of the fruit he chose, hence also being 1/3 the weight and definitely 1/3 the cost..

Disgusted we want to pay and leave but he assures us he'll chose another much better fruit and picks a fruit whose pedigree he brags about. Needless to say, it was hard. dry. and not sweet at all. * very very very pissified now

Then comes this malay family also craving durians i presume. He chooses for them a fruit which is supposed to have red flesh and taste so sweet. It had a worm in it. Of course being the great showman he is, he turned it into a spectacle for the kids and fed it to his pet arowana.. I'm sure the family would be well-satisfied paying for the arowana's worm meal.

Finally we leave paying for three durians, two of which were inedible and one ~the okay tasting one~ which my dad chose ( rather call him the Raja Durian ) and a few kilos of mangosteens.. all of which only three-quarters were edible.

In conclusion, Kajang has better fruits, i was very pissified and the Raja Durian can just go f@#k himself.. with a durian preferably